You
feel it coming, even if perhaps you can’t acknowledge what it is yet.
Something
is out of place. Something makes you feel heavy in the heart, where you once
felt nothing but lightness. Something that was there yesterday is gone. Is it
time to feel paranoid yet? You think not.
A
few days later, a few weeks later, a few months later – can you even remember
the time? It all felt so unmeasured back then. A morning was simply waking up
to another warm body in bed.
So, a few days later, a few weeks later,
a few months later it happens. And a split second before it happens, you know.
You know that this is the end. And with the benefit of hindsight, you feel
ashamed at how dramatic you made it. But with the unfortunate circumstances of
being heavily invested and potentially “in love” in the present, it’s the end
of the world as you know it.
Go
to bed and cry. Wake up and cry. Invest in a pair of sunglasses to hide the
fact that you’re crying, but then make embarrassingly loud sobbing noises that
give you away. Sit across from a haggard old woman on the train, and project
yourself on to her misery lines. Feel like asking the world for comfort, but
withdraw from the idea of sharing your pain. If all you’ve got now is pain,
hang on to it as tight as you can.
Avoid
going to work. Avoid meeting friends. Avoid leaving the house.
Embrace
looking at old photographs. Embrace re-reading old letters. Embrace sending
text message after text message after text message.
Anger,
frustration, confusion, loneliness, bewilderment. Beg and threaten and remind.
Hold your breath between each reply, if only to pass the time.
Rinse
and repeat, and rinse and repeat. Except today you forgot to cry. And yesterday
you went to the movies. And tomorrow you’re looking for a new place to rent.
A
few days later, a few weeks later, a few months later. Find yourself unable to
remember the last time you cried. Listen to that song without wanting to punch
a wall. Smile at the boy across from you on the bus. Forgive the cruel words
that were exchanged, and focus on the ones that made that time together
worthwhile. Forgive him, but mostly forgive yourself. Find yourself some peace
of mind.
Have bad moments. Have good moments.
Have weak moments. Have a strong drink, or two. Have a better lease on life.
related posts.
somebody that i used to know by kimberley veart
the way we were by kimberley veart
