excuse me, is this gym tonic?

by charlotte guest

I walked out when she told me to shimmy; I don't care how tense my buttocks would have been.

The evening was never going to go well because the lady at the door tried to trick me into buying maracas, and I almost did because I thought she said “maccas”. Then I found out that we had to wave them around like some bollywood Coles advert.

Welcome to Zumba.

Our instructor was glistening in a way that was vaguely unsettling. She wore her hair in high pigtails and a top with a scooping neck. Everything bounced. As soon as she started crashing around the stage, she reminded me of a rabbit with an oestrogen problem.

Then the strobe lighting and beats began. I was suddenly fifteen again, doing the running man to Eminem. Except this time the music was tribal, or maybe it was Latino, or both. Either way, I think it was meant to speak to our core, that rich source of raw energy. I did the box-step like a hunter.

About five minutes in, the instructor started talking. She began with encouraging phrases like “good work girls”, “keep it going”, “nice squat Edith”, and then moved swiftly onto imperatives like “harder!” and “push girls!”. At some point I slipped into a trance, and when I awoke the lady was yelling anti-male sentiments at us like “hit him girls! get him! get hiiiiim” (we were throwing air-punches by this time). I looked around the room to see if anyone was finding this somewhat inappropriate, but most of them looked like they had someone pretty specific in mind.

Then something happened.

The instructor trotted over to the CD player and changed the track. She put on some poppy number and turned to face us, chest heaving, breasts almost knocking her on the chin when she breathed in. She told us to stretch out our arms, so we did. She told us to bend our knees a little, so we did. Then she told us to do three vigorous hip thrusts and shimmy.


I stood there and watched the throng of women wiggle and thrust with brows furrowed in concentration.

It was too much. I gathered my things and went home.




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